Yesterday I had the pleasure of witnessing one of the most boring and disappointing games the Rangers have played this season. "But Katie," asks the one person who actually reads this thing (thanks again Mom) "couldn't anyone who lives in the tri-state area and has cable watch the Oilers bore the Broadway Blueshirts out of their own building?" Ah, but the difference, dear reader, is that I got to take it in, firsthand, from section 314, row 1, seat 11 of the World's Most Famous Arena. In case you were wondering, that's smack dab in the middle of one of the marvels known as the Chase Bridges. Yes, the game was almost as boring as your typical golf tournament, but these seats were the best in the house, with the possible exception of the folding chair they make the backup goalie sit on because the bench is too short. Seriously, look at this view:
It was an awesome vantage point to see all the goals that the Rangers didn't score. (Brief side note: maybe if Callahan scored a goal at some point when the Rangers were tied against one of the worst teams in the league, Sather would give him that $7 million per year he keeps harping on about. But I digress...)
Aside from a great place to watch that snooze-fest called a hockey game, section 314 is also a great place to find a pair of sadly misinformed jackasses in dress shirts and slacks (it's a hockey game dude, not a board meeting) who take advantage of their (most likely free) tickets to get absolutely plastered on Bacardi and Cokes dutifully delivered by members of the MSG waiting staff. Here is my first problem with these guys: why the hell are you getting drunk at a hockey game? Sure you might have gotten free tickets from your buddy in the other cubicle who suddenly remembered his wife's birthday and you might not know the difference between a shot on goal and shot of Patron, but can you at least pretend that you wanna be there. I'd bust my ass wrangling children for weeks just to buy these tickets and you can just waltz in and not even watch the train wreck currently place right in front of your face. Let's avert a full mental breakdown on my part and treat MSG as consecrate hockey ground, er, ice. Not a glorified bar conveniently located on top of Penn Station.
Which brings me to rant numero deux (that's number two for all you uncultured unilinguals out there): If you can't name a team's second defensive pairing, don't act like you are the beacon of enlightenment concerning all things hockey. Exhibit one is Jackass #1. This man had the misfortune to have a nose the size of a hockey puck and an ego only a little bit larger. Sadly, he knew as much about hockey as your average SportsCenter anchor. Here's a small sampling of the information he imparted on his buddy, with my comments in parentheses because I just can't help myself:
- Brandon Dubinsky was traded to the Nashville Predators for Calvin Klein. (Great. I'm sure the Rangers will have the nicest underwear in the NHL.)
- Cam Talbot was really having a better season than Lundqvist, which was why he was starting. (Because you wouldn't rest your goaltender in the middle of three games in four nights right before the Olympics. Against one of the worst teams in the league. That would be stupid.)
- The Boston Bruins are the best team in the NHL. (Talk about East Coast bias. No need to mention the Ducks. Or the Penguins. So not East Coast bias, just stupidity.)
- The Rangers have this strategy at the end of a game where they pull their goalie and put another guy on the ice to try and score a goal. (No shit, Sherlock.)
And those are just the ones I have the misfortune to remember. If you know me, which you don't really (not yet anyway), than you know that I was dying to set this bumbling, inebriated drunk straight. But as they say, you can show Callahan the scoring chances but you can't make his score (or something like that). I ultimately got my revenge when Mr. Drunken Jackass almost took a header down the escalator. So, some advice for the casual fan who happens upon some awesome hockey tickets in the Mecca of hockey:
- Consider yourself lucky and make some kind of sacrifice to the hockey gods.
- Don't act like an intoxicated idiot or you might end up becoming the inspiration for a post on a blog that no one reads run by a hockey-crazed girl. (That's me, if you're a little slow on the uptake).
- It's okay if you don't know that Benoit Pouliot scored 67 points in 67 games and wore the number 67 during his rookie season with the Sudbury Wolves. Just don't act like you do, because that's just annoying.
- Lay off the Bacardi and Cokes.
